Wedding
Why I said I’d never do it: I have crazy anxiety. Like random ass over active nerves and panic attacks that seem to always get the best of me. I have several triggers that I am aware of but it’s my fear of being in crowded spaces that has kept me home most nights and weekends. I have been able to create a life that allows me to limit my need to go anywhere aside from work and a few places I feel safe frequenting. Because I’m an introvert and prefer solitude to late night parties and bar hopping I don’t ever feel like I’m missing out on anything by being a homebody. I even order my groceries and toiletries online and avoid Walmart at any and all cost. My life feels very normal to me so although I recognize that I don’t like crowded places, I also don’t typically see the need to visit them anyway.
Why I did it: I went to Africa a few years ago. Met a guy there who was traveling alone. While on safari he told my friend and I how he never went places by himself but realized with age that his friends dictated his social life and he didn’t like it. He explained that if he ever wanted to go somewhere, even if it was just out to dinner, he had to plan around his friends schedules. If they couldn’t afford it he would even resort to altering his plans to accommodate them, to include paying there way or dumping his original plans for less expensive or more desirable ones his friends could afford or were interested in. When he announced his plan to come to Africa, a bucket list location, he said none of his friends could afford it. His choices were to pay their way, choose another location or travel alone. He chose to come alone. He said he was tired of planning his life based on his friends schedule’s and/or budgets. Fast forward a few years and here I was creating my list of Shit I’d Never Do and what would you know… going somewhere alone made the top 10.
What I did: It’s not Africa, but when a friend of mine sent an invite to her wedding, I thought this would be a good opportunity to cross another item off my list. It required traveling three hours away, by myself to an unknown, unfamiliar place, staying over night for two to three days and attending a wedding with close to one-hundred other guest I wouldn’t know. Fears aside… I RSVP’ed and committed.
The results: I worked half a day the day I was set to leave for the wedding. I was well aware that I needed to also leave work and be on the road by a certain time to avoid traffic or I’d be on the road all night. It was two of my colleagues, who are well aware of my anxiety issues, who kept reminding me to get the hell out of the office. And I eventually did… an hour late but I’m taking baby steps. Although I kept coming up with one more thing I had to do I got on the road and that’s all that mattered. I get to the hotel, which is in the middle of nowhere in a town that looked like it had been cut and pasted out of a Hallmark or Lifetime holiday movie and I know no one! Not a single person… and I’m starving, but would never eat alone. So when I saw one of my old co-workers walking down an alley towards a restaurant I was e-lay-tid! (that’s elated folks). I hadn’t worked with her or seen her in almost three years, but a familiar face is a familiar face! I was actually not aware of the guest list when I RSVP’ed, but had since learned the identities of at least three people I knew who would be there. This was one of the three people I’d actually known. I called her name a few times but she didn’t hear me I thought so I picked up my pace and followed her into the alley. I then decided to text her so she’d know it was me coming up behind her at a fast pace. I hit send and get a response almost immediately essentially saying the person I thought I was chasing had not even left home yet and would not be arriving until the following morning. As I finish reading the text I look up just in time to see the frantic look on some random ladies face as she looks back at me and picks up her pace. I was a black stranger in a very Caucasian place, chasing what appeared to be a Caucasian woman down a dark alley way. Not a good look at all! I was so embarrassed that I recoiled to my room. I ordered room service but was so embarrassed I couldn’t eat. So I just went to sleep.
The day of the wedding I got up and got dressed on a mission. I had a shuttle to catch and didn’t want to miss it. So when the time came for the shuttle to leave for the venue and I was still sitting in my room I knew I was in trouble. I ended up reaching out to one of the three people I knew was coming to see where she was. Long story short I ended up meeting up with her and we drove over to the venue in our own cars, one behind the other. To my surprise, I knew five of the seven people at my table! I actually knew everyone, but others just in passing while a few I’d actually been super close to. Because I was surrounded by friends it actually wasn’t that bad. I still wasn’t comfortable in such a crowded setting and I got the hell out of there as soon as all of the key events were completed… dinner, first dance, cake cutting and toast… but it was fun while it lasted. On my drive home I was so proud of myself but kind of felt like I cheated a bit. I technically wasn’t by myself. And as soon a my anxiety got too high I bolted. But I tried and I did exactly what I set out to do. Not my fault if the universe threw me a bone.
